- Scientists say the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons…..They forgot to mention Morons.
- Boobs are like the Sun…you can stare at them directly just for a few seconds. But if you put on sunglasses, stare as much as you want!
- Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
- Don’t you wish people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.
- One of the most expensive things you’ll ever do is pay attention to the wrong person.
- Like this if you have ever checked Facebook while naked.
- My old aunts always said to me you’re next at weddings. They quit when I started doing it to them at funerals.
- If you think 7 years of bad luck are too much for breaking a mirror.. Try breaking a condom.
- What do the Chinese call a 69? Twocanchew.
- 100% of the people that talk shit about your life, have shittier lives than you.
- The first rule of selfie club should be clean your room.
- Woman without curves is like a road without bends…. You may get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell.
- Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
- No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that shit and move on.
- Do the Chinese realize that when they’re visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?
- In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.
- On the internet you can be whoever you want. It’s odd that so many choose to be stupid.
- Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
- Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby.
- Can you die from constipation? I’m a little worried with how full of shit some people are.
- Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them. (Post this one on your actual birthday to make it more effective.)
- People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
- Life is a lot like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or you’re taking shit from some asshole.
- In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.
- Face your problems. Don’t facebook your problems.
- I tried setting my yahoo password to “penis”. It said my password wasn’t long enough.
- Dear Girls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back, marry him.
- Whenever a man asks me what kind of books I like, I tell him checkbooks.
- Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
- Making a new mint flavored birth control pill that you take right before sex. I am calling them ‘Predickamints.’
- Cheating is not an accident. Falling off a bike is an accident. You don’t just trip and fall into someone’s vagina.
- Ladies- it’s important to have a man that:
- 1) Rocks in bed
- 2) Buys you stuff
- 3) Compliments you
- 4) The above 3 men don’t know each other.
- To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she’s capable of walking you haven’t earned a goddamn sandwich!
- By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass.
- “Does size matter?” “Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out”.
- Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
- Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
- And then God said, “Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I’ll give women the power over which to control it.”
- Dear guys: Women don’t want pictures of your dick. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
- I hate people that say ” He’s a nice person once you get to know him.” They might as well just say ” He’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it.”
- Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
- If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
- Love is like Wi-Fi, you can’t see it, but you know when you’ve lost it.
- When I was your age my whole family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord.
- When people don’t laugh at my jokes I just assume that they’re not up to my level of comedy.
- we live in WTF generation – wikipedia, twitter, facebook
- If God made everything, then God must be Chinese?
- I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”
- I’m writing a thanksgiving cookbook called “50 shades of gravy.”
- It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
- Deja poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this shit before.
- My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
- Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
- Just saw a t-shirt that said “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” which translated to “Hey, I’ve got a small penis and a stupid shirt”
- Everything is made in China. Except babies. They’re made in VaChina.
- A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, “Where were you between four and six?” I said, “Kindergarten.”
- Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
- Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your dick grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!!
- Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
- The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
- I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta Sea.
- I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
- I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
- My idea of a Superbowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
- Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
- Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.
- i hate to call it ‘one night stands’..i prefer the term ‘auditions’
- Excuse me…can you please tell your pants it’s rude to point.
- I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.
- Caution: Spooning may lead to forking.
- Shit happens, step over it.
- Man grabs his wife’s butt, “If this was firm, you wouldn’t need underwear” She turns around and grabs his penis, “And if this was firm, I wouldn’t need batteries.”
- Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
- If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service).
- Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
- Silence doesnt mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
- I want to be the reason you look down on your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
- Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
- A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine … Well, I bought wine.
- Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
- Guy: Do you want to hear a joke about my penis? Nevermind…it’s too long!
- Girl: Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Nevermind…you’ll never get it!!!
- If men believed in reincarnation they’d ask to come back as a spider, so they could hear a woman scream OMG LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT!
- My idea of “friends with benefits” is another one of my friends doing my laundry. What were you people thinking.. I have morals.
- If someone is angry with you and you laugh at them, you win.
- Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
- I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
- What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
- Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
- Why do medications always have side effects like ‘anal leakage’ & ‘suicidal thoughts’? Why not ‘invisibility’ or ‘spontaneous orgasms’?
- SAY it FAST! {I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} LIKE if you get it!
- My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.
- I renamed all my files “the world,” so everyday when I “save” the world I feel important.
- First say “eye” then spell “map” then say “ness”. -yes, yes you are-
- Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don’t tell him you have a boyfriend. They don’t care.Tell him you have a penis.
- Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my own reflection and think to myself, “You’re welcome mirror.”
- It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
- Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
- No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
- Fuck You autocorrect. I’m tired of your bullshit. Turning you off. Cee I dount kneed yu inh mai laif tu wright mai tughits. Vitch!!
- I tried to say no to vodka but it’s 40% stronger than me.
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