1. Scientists say the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons…..They forgot to mention Morons.
  2. Boobs are like the Sun…you can stare at them directly just for a few seconds. But if you put on sunglasses, stare as much as you want!
  3. Women are like IPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
  4. Don’t you wish people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.
  5. One of the most expensive things you’ll ever do is pay attention to the wrong person.
  6. Like this if you have ever checked Facebook while naked.
  7. My old aunts always said to me you’re next at weddings. They quit when I started doing it to them at funerals.
  8. If you think 7 years of bad luck are too much for breaking a mirror.. Try breaking a condom.
  9. What do the Chinese call a 69? Twocanchew.
  10. 100% of the people that talk shit about your life, have shittier lives than you.
  11. The first rule of selfie club should be clean your room.
  12. Woman without curves is like a road without bends…. You may get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell.
  13. Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
  14. No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that shit and move on.
  15. Do the Chinese realize that when they’re visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?
  16. In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.
  17. On the internet you can be whoever you want. It’s odd that so many choose to be stupid.
  18. Whenever someone calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
  19. Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby.
  20. Can you die from constipation? I’m a little worried with how full of shit some people are.
  21. Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them. (Post this one on your actual birthday to make it more effective.)
  22. People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
  23. Life is a lot like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or you’re taking shit from some asshole.
  24. In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.
  25. Face your problems. Don’t facebook your problems.
  26. I tried setting my yahoo password to “penis”. It said my password wasn’t long enough.
  27. Dear Girls, if a guy pauses a video game to text you back, marry him.
  28. Whenever a man asks me what kind of books I like, I tell him checkbooks.
  29. Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
  30. Making a new mint flavored birth control pill that you take right before sex. I am calling them ‘Predickamints.’
  31. Cheating is not an accident. Falling off a bike is an accident. You don’t just trip and fall into someone’s vagina.
  32. Ladies- it’s important to have a man that:
  33. 1) Rocks in bed
  34. 2) Buys you stuff
  35. 3) Compliments you
  36. 4) The above 3 men don’t know each other.
  37. To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she’s capable of walking you haven’t earned a goddamn sandwich!
  38. By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass.
  39. “Does size matter?” “Yes I told you 2 inches makes a huge difference. Now just buy the damn laptop dad, this conversation is creeping me out”.
  40. Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
  41. Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
  42. And then God said, “Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I’ll give women the power over which to control it.”
  43. Dear guys: Women don’t want pictures of your dick. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
  44. I hate people that say ” He’s a nice person once you get to know him.” They might as well just say ” He’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it.”
  45. Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
  46. If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
  47. Love is like Wi-Fi, you can’t see it, but you know when you’ve lost it.
  48. When I was your age my whole family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord.
  49. When people don’t laugh at my jokes I just assume that they’re not up to my level of comedy.
  50. we live in WTF generation – wikipedia, twitter, facebook
  51. If God made everything, then God must be Chinese?
  52. I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”
  53. I’m writing a thanksgiving cookbook called “50 shades of gravy.”
  54. It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
  55. Deja poo. The feeling that you’ve heard this shit before.
  56. My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
  57. Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
  58. Just saw a t-shirt that said “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” which translated to “Hey, I’ve got a small penis and a stupid shirt”
  59. Everything is made in China. Except babies. They’re made in VaChina.
  60. A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, “Where were you between four and six?” I said, “Kindergarten.”
  61. Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
  62. Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your dick grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!!
  63. Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
  64. The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
  65. I had a dream that I was drowning in orange soda. Turned out it was just a Fanta Sea.
  66. I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
  67. I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
  68. My idea of a Superbowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
  69. Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
  70. Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.
  71. i hate to call it ‘one night stands’..i prefer the term ‘auditions’
  72. Excuse me…can you please tell your pants it’s rude to point.
  73. I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.
  74. Caution: Spooning may lead to forking.
  75. Shit happens, step over it.
  76. Man grabs his wife’s butt, “If this was firm, you wouldn’t need underwear” She turns around and grabs his penis, “And if this was firm, I wouldn’t need batteries.”
  77. Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
  78. If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service).
  79. Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
  80. Silence doesnt mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
  81. I want to be the reason you look down on your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
  82. Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
  83. A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine … Well, I bought wine.
  84. Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
  85. Guy: Do you want to hear a joke about my penis? Nevermind…it’s too long!
  86. Girl: Do you want to hear a joke about my vagina? Nevermind…you’ll never get it!!!
  87. If men believed in reincarnation they’d ask to come back as a spider, so they could hear a woman scream OMG LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT!
  88. My idea of “friends with benefits” is another one of my friends doing my laundry. What were you people thinking.. I have morals.
  89. If someone is angry with you and you laugh at them, you win.
  90. Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
  91. I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
  92. What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
  93. Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
  94. Why do medications always have side effects like ‘anal leakage’ & ‘suicidal thoughts’? Why not ‘invisibility’ or ‘spontaneous orgasms’?
  95. SAY it FAST! {I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} LIKE if you get it!
  96. My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.
  97. I renamed all my files “the world,” so everyday when I “save” the world I feel important.
  98. First say “eye” then spell “map” then say “ness”. -yes, yes you are-
  99. Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don’t tell him you have a boyfriend. They don’t care.Tell him you have a penis.
  100. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my own reflection and think to myself, “You’re welcome mirror.”
  101. It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
  102. Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
  103. No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
  104. Fuck You autocorrect. I’m tired of your bullshit. Turning you off. Cee I dount kneed yu inh mai laif tu wright mai tughits. Vitch!!
  105. I tried to say no to vodka but it’s 40% stronger than me.

Leave a Comment